I spoke with my mom on the phone at the beginning of this week. She mentioned that my sister, who lives in TX, could be moving soon due to the kind of work she does. Her choices are as followed: Atlanta, GA; working from home via computer; or (sigh) Portland, OR.
"Oh", I said.
Didn't think too much about it. Until Tues. evening. Just as I was sitting down to dinner, my sister called to say she would be in Portland for a few days and wants to see me.
"Oh", I said.
We talked for about an hour and made tentative arrangements to meet her at her hotel in Portland this Mon. I hung up the phone and made my way to the dinner table to eat a cold meal. I was numb. I couldn't think or focus. I know people were talking to me but I couldn't seem to hear anything. For the rest of the night, I felt like this.
There are two reasons: One, this is the sister with the troublesome family. Where she goes, they all follow. Oh, my. I'm sure some of you have a family like this in your bloodline so I won't go into all the details. This sister is really very nice and has always loved me but because of her family, I was so glad to be many states away. The thought of being just 2 hours away ... oh, my (sorry, that's just how I feel!)
The other reason, and this is the one that really disturbs me, is that they will be in MY state. They will be bursting MY bubble, so to speak. I have lived away from where I grew up for 16 years now and I like it that way. I finally became ME when I moved away and I really don't want anyone from my past back in my life. Is that as awful as it sounds? I feel threatened in a way. It's stupid!! I shouldn't feel like this. Sigh.
I have decided to give it all to the Lord (can you think of a better thing to do?) If it's the Lord's will that my sister and her, ahem, brood, all move to Portland, then so be it. I do know that she really wants to stay home until her youngest graduates from high school next year so I've been praying for that because she asked me to. But since I can't do anything about this situation, all I can do is let it go, give it to God and not worry. If it's what God wants, then it's what's best for my sister. That is the attitude I am trying so to hard to take.
But, boy, it's been tough. I am dreading seeing her and her daughter. Just really dreading it. And feeling guilty about feeling that way. I'm sure it will all go well. I need to make it a good visit for her sake. My kids will be the focal point so that's a help. I guess if she was just visiting for fun, it would be different. But she is visiting her company there for an interview - for the possibility of staying there.